Tuesday, 1 November 2016

Designer Cupboard Sale in Aid of EDS Syndrome

 
In aid of the MM (McCann Malnourishment) Fund. These fine and interesting pieces have been donated by relatives of those  suffering from severe Long Term EDS (Evidence Deficiency Syndrome) which has resulted in retirement or disability. Please help now! 
 
 
 
 
 
Extremely dense and detailed construction lies behind this charmingly domestic Spanish Cupboard, carved by a small but brilliantly talented family who had been cut off from the outside world for a decade before succumbing to E-starvation. 
 
Small cupboards hidden behind drawer faces contain smaller "mystery"  cupboards and these in turn contain even smaller ones until the limits of vision and concentration are reached. A little miracle of invention  which even  Flann O' Brian  of Chippendale workshops would have been proud to claim his own. 
 
A few cracks began to appear over the last few years (visible top right). Unfortunately it holds less than you think.
 
A large circular table made by the same family has, tragically, been destroyed, possibly  by Death Watch Beetle.
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Heritage cupboard, found only in USA, as the guns suggest. Note the overall effect of restrained good taste, particularly the drawer handles. Not an important piece but quaint.
 
Despite a specialist doctor being called in to assist in good time the owner was  too badly weakened by E-deficiency to carry on, while the  doctor himself succumbed to cross-infection. Much to our regret: a speedy recovery to all.   
 
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Did you know?
 
That once administrative  expenses are covered  any money left over will be used to support people in need? Give your support now!
 
"People in need" is described and limited to those defined in our articles of association, available from our address which can be found on our website. The support will consist of   intensive nourishment in both solid and liquid form, including such high-protein but reasonably priced diet items as tinned Russian/Iranian  fish eggs and certain specified Italian fungi as certified by our medical panel. It will be  administered at qualifying dietary centres (also called restaurants) in London, Padstow, Lisbon (the Don Pedro Hotel Carve-Up), Paris, Portofino and Tokyo.  Due to the hygiene and cross-infection risk E-deficiency sufferers and their families are not eligible to attend.
 
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This is an exceptional example of the JFAM design house style as can be seen from the memorial website to its earliest victims  Here

A prize winner in the recent London "Vulgarity" exhibition this crudely constructed but extremely post-modern example of the genre well represents  the content, thoughtfulness and good taste of its group members. Most of them are now believed to be dead due to E-Deficiency early onset and the curses of visual design guru Stephen Bayley. One of them, however, skilled multi-linguist Pedro Silva - for it is he - is known to be lingering  on somewhere in Scotland.

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The Bonnybraes empty cupboard is seen to its best advantage here, in BB's bedroom overlooking the disused Auchtermuckie canal basin and tanning plant. M/S Brays, who has only limited mobility, apologised for the "untidy" state of her bedroom when we arrived unannounced to take pictures for the grand sale. As we laughingly reassured her, there was no need for apologies at all - it was exactly what we, and no doubt other fans of the Big Bad Brae, were expecting.
 
Fortunately she has not yet had to retire completely due to her condition. At present she comments vaguely on world affairs with her usual good sense and works with great enthusiasm, given her age and infirmities, as a beater for the Laird.
 
On Wednesdays at the  grouse shoot. Curiously she never mentions the case that made her famous all over the parish.
 
"Who?  Oh, the wee bairn. No, that's all behind me now."
 
An example to us all.
 
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World-famous modern designers for children of every age before E-Deficiency struck, the Wayback Factory is now for sale, a sad reminder of its great days.  The numerous victims  have been causing concern to the NHS because they have been struck by Elective Mutism  Syndrome, a rare complication of EDS,  and have gone into seclusion.
 
"If only they could tell us where they are," said Betty (not her real name), a cheerful community nurse  from Batley, Yorks. "That way we could at least reassure them that there's nothing to be ashamed of, nothing at all. But they don't reply."
 
"Now why would that be?" we asked. But Betty was gone. 
 
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This extraordinary picture comes from "A History of Locked Wards" by Edmund Spenser, FRCN.
 
They are not imprisoned but  opted to live in these specially designed  cupboards because of  a psychotic fear that abductors and alien policemen haunt their ward once the lights are  out. Inside  they feel relatively secure. In a manner of speaking. Between them the three have fifty seven different identities which is why they were known originally as "The Baked Bean Kids" to the nurses.
 
The lives of the latter were made more difficult at medication time since the drugs were labelled according to their identities that morning. By night-sedative time they refused to answer to the name on the label.
 
The patients pictured forty nine years ago now move freely around the wards with the aid of modern drugs while retaining a residual, but apathetic,  belief in the bogeyman fantasy. But they are helplessly malnourished.
 
A doctor writes:  "A tragic side effect of the EDS plague is  the frustration that comes with the lack of evidence nourishment and the excessive anger it creates. Attacks on anyone who wears a Portuguese police uniform, classy middle aged women who know how to use a knife and fork  and, bizarrely, innocent dog-walkers, are common and extremely disturbing."
 
The Ward is now threatened with closure due to the lack of patients.  
 
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This is a fine example of Portuguese Colonial cupboard design. It is a Moraes, a very famous name in Portugal and overseas.
 
Its saleslady has gone into seclusion, yet another victim of the  E-Deficiency scourge and now lives behind a modern "Better Call Saul" hygienic cyber-barrier waiting for suitable nutrition to become available. Of course we wish her well.
 
A doctor writes:  "A tragic side effect of the EDS plague is  the frustration that comes with the lack of evidence nourishment and the excessive anger it creates. Attacks on anyone who wears the wrong  uniform, on middle aged women who have been luckier than themselves and, bizarrely, innocent blog-walkers, are common and extremely disturbing."
 
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